Fearless?

I have self doubt. I have insecurity. I have fear of failure. I have nights when I show up at the arena and I’m like, ‘My back hurts, my feet hurt, my knees hurt. I don’t have it. I just want to chill.’ We all have self doubt. You don’t deny it, but you also don’t capitulate to it. You embrace. – Kobe Bryant

Confession, despite being from a state that literally bleeds basketball, I’m not really a fan. Still, I have to say Kobe was right about this one. 

I want to be fearless.  I want to pretend that I’m not terrified.  Terrified of failure. Terrified at success.  I know that sounds crazy. Who’s afraid of success?  Apparently, I am.  Achieving success means that, if I fail, I fall harder than if I’d never achieved.  I can count on my hand how many things I’ve attempted in life and failed.  I’m resilient.  I don’t give up.  No matter the task.  Still, that doesn’t mean I am without fear.  It means I refuse to let fear control me. 

I WANT to be fearless.  Yet, even as I write these words, I know my friends and family will be reading them, my colleagues from work may read them, strangers across the planet could read them. Oh my! I just realized potential agents and publishers will probably read my blog.  It’s a very private thing to share your thoughts, dreams, aspirations.  Unabridged.  Online.  I don’t want it to, but it does scare me.  What will people think of my blog? My review? More importantly, my work when I finally publish? In all honesty, there are many times in my life I have been terrified.  The thing about it is, that fear doesn’t have to last.  How we chose, when we chose, to allow fear to pull our strings, is up to us.  Either you are the marionette or the puppet.  

I WANT to be fearless.  Every word I type, I confront my fear.  As of the count of this post, at this very moment that is over two hundred and seventy words.  Over two hundred and seventy times,  I conquered my fear.  Yes, it’s a small thing.  A small way.  When I started my blog, my author twitter page, and started reviewing books, I was terrified.  I don’t open up to many people. Certainly, not in a public way.  I’ll reveal another confession.  I am shy and introverted. Yet, I love being a trial attorney, I love trying cases. So, despite fear, I do it anyways. I get up in front of randomly chosen jurors and argue for my clients innocence.  I love to write, so regardless of the fear of opening my heart and mind to others, I shall write.  I let my fear wash over my skin and stand strong against the assault.  

We all have fears.  Think of it this way.  If you died tomorrow, what would you regret?  Leaving that novel unfinished?  Giving up on querying after a mountain of rejections?  Would you regret not giving everything you have to this moment right now, because now, this moment, is all we are promised?  

I may not be fearless. However, I will not give in to fear’s taunt. 

You don’t deny your fear. You don’t capitulate to fear.  You embrace fear. 

I will not deny my fear.  I will not capitulate to my fear.  I will embrace my fear. 

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it is gone, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain. – Dune

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